When assessing matches for my clients we address several factors, but front and centre is an alignment of values. You take two fit, healthy, attractive, intelligent, educated and cultured individuals who consider the same things important in life… and your potential success rate of the match rises considerably.
But… often this seemingly ideal match will not spark during a first date due to a lack of what one or both members would habitually call… “chemistry.” For years I would leave this to chance but I discovered that a little guidance can often have an amazing effect so pay a little attention and the world of romance may just completely transform for you.
As I mention in my book, you’d be amazed how many women describe their ultimate man as Daniel Craig or George Clooney. When they say it, most women are referring to the roles they portray in movies rather than the Daniel and George themselves.
I continue to find this fascinating. What is it about James Bond or Danny Ocean, that make women go weak at the knees? Well with a little research around human behaviour the answers start to consistently line up. Whether they are behaviours established from millions of years of evolution or embedded by Hollywood characters, there are some specific choices a man can make to increase what we like to call, “The Bond Factor” or “The Clooney Factor”.
Before I go on, I want to put out there that the evidence shows that these behaviours and responses appear to be far more potent in the initial courting period rather than later on in a more developed long-term relationship. Although some of these aspects can elongate high levels of attraction later on, once the relationship is locked in, value perception tends to tilt toward other areas.
We can discuss these in another post but for this one, let’s look at what men can do in the early dates to peak interest which can then be reciprocated… ultimately resulting in what we call “chemistry”.
Characteristics of the Bond Factor
- Inner strength– Both Bond and Ocean are able to hold their inner condition intact in the face of adversity. Even in the face of death the job is executed. Now although you’re not saving the world or stealing 100s of millions of dollars, you are faced with adversities in your own life. I’ve seen men worth several million dollars running large successful companies turn into a spoilt brat when things don’t go their way. Instead, retain your values, be a rock in response to emotion, reassure and disarm your woman.
- Know Your Capabilities- Bond is incredibly skilled and highly competent. Everything he does, he appears to be brilliant at. Although this is unrealistic for us mere mortals, taking an opportunity to VERY SUBTLY show something you’re capable of is very attractive to a woman. In fact it’s highly alluring to both men and women. My partner loves the fact that I’m fluent in Italian even though it’s not my background. When we’re out to dinner, I love that he knows how to pour wine perfectly and silver-serve the food (skills he learned in his 20s). Nothing too special but makes you wonder, what else they are good at. Have a think about your skills, imagine how impressed she’ll be when you pick up a guitar and just start playing, take her onto the dance floor to dance salsa (we all love a man who can dance) or order your food in Japanese. When it happens, do it as nonchalantly as possible. The more humble you are the more she’ll wonder about your… other hidden talents.
- Own What You Do and Who You Are- Both Bond and Ocean are the first to admit they are far from perfect. Their fallibility is part of them and they don’t blink when it’s exposed. One of the most powerful emotions a woman can experience in the presence of a man is certainty or reassurance. You are not perfect. You are beautifully flawed. Don’t be afraid to share your inner fears, particularly in a story of an event from the past. The openness shows your self-confidence. This is not a free pass to be ignorant to poor behaviour, it’s about knowing you’re not perfect, that sometimes you fail or are sometimes scared. Showing your comfort with your fragile human qualities has the opposite effect on women that you might expect. It shows them how strong you must be to share it, that you are open and honest- someone she can trust and that you are brave enough to show your true colours, someone she can rely on.
- Be Committed to Your Higher Cause- Bond has a quiet underlying passion for his country and his cause. Women love men with who have passion. Be proud of your work and other commitments. Your family, your focus on your personal goals, your support of causes or charities are an important part of who you are. Showing her that these things are important is enticing to her. It shows her you have a full life, that you have the energy and drive to contribute. It is inspirational and impressive. It also shows you understand priorities and principles. This generates trust, reassurance and your passion to your cause can be incredibly attractive to her.
- Focus on Her- Although they have a higher cause, both Danny Ocean and James Bond are relentlessly fixated on their woman when they are standing in front of them. Now matching their levels may be a little too intense for a first date, but there is a strong message here. Give her your 100% undivided attention for the duration of the date. Do not wander, check out other women, or take phone calls, definitely do not open your phone to check messages or social. Ask open ended questions and listen. Give her a compliment. If you’re concerned about being PC then make it about her hair or dress. Look into her eyes. Your gaze can be hypnotic. When a woman feels fixated on and listened to by a man she’s interested in, it can make her go weak at the knees. It also encourages her honesty. If she opens up, smile and tell her she’s brave or something else that reassures her. A woman will reflect on the fact that she opened up to you more than others and it will stay with her.
People believe chemistry is some magical power they have no control over and pray for it to just occur with the wave of a magic wand over them and their date. But much of what we call chemistry is us responding to qualities that we have been conditioned to find sexy. When on your next date, as the evening progresses, ask yourself a couple times… “What Would James Bond Do?” You’d be surprised how well this could serve you.